My Immortal
by killarri
Summary: Haunted by her memories, Faye decides to confront them, with the hope of moving on. But how do you move on when the life you built crumbles and dies before your eyes?


Title: My Immortal

Author: LadyKillarri

Email: ladykillarri@yahoo.com

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Language, Ton O'Spoilers but mostly Session 25 & 26

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop.  Anyway, Bandai, Sunrise, and some other people own it.  This is merely fan work created out of love for their awesome characters.

AN: Please keep in mind while reading that this is my first foray into CB fan fiction.  If quite get all the references from the series right, please let me know.  The song is "My Immortal" by Evanescence from both their album "Fallen" and the Daredevil Soundtrack.

My Immortal

"Faye, are you going to be alright?"

She didn't glance back at him, absolutely certain his expression was disapproving, as was typical lately.  Besides, it was actually kind of interesting staring at a blank spot on the wall, or at least it was more fun with a bit of vodka.  "Yeah, I'll be fine, Jet."  She replied, surprisingly coherently considering the vodka was of the Venetian variety, one of the most potent alcoholic brews, practically a baby step from pure engine fuel.  Grown men often couldn't handle more than a few shots of the stuff, but Faye could handle her liquor.  After two shots of the stuff, she was still fairly coordinated, a feat that some men twice her size couldn't boast.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with me?"

"No."  She replied emphatically, shaking her head.  She never wanted to return to that place.  Even if the sun was shining and birds were singing when she went, it was still a dark, depressing place that always left her spirit broken and tired.

"Faye…" She heard him give a heavy sigh before heavy footfalls near the door indicated that he was pacing again.  "It's just that I'm getting kind of worried about you."

"I'm fine, really."

All was silent for a moment, but she doubted that he'd believe her.  Jet had always been good at seeing through her, though he wasn't nearly as good at it as Spike was.  In either case, he probably knew, deep down, that she wasn't okay and hadn't been for a while, but nothing short of a miracle would change that fact.

"Well, if you need me…"

"I know, call you on the comm."  Faye turned to him, finally, and forced a small smile for his benefit.  "I'll be fine, Jet, seriously.  Now you go on and do what you need to do."

He still appeared to apprehensive, probably not fond of the idea of leaving her alone on his ship with a full bottle of Venetian Vodka on this particular day, but left well enough alone.  "Alright, I'll see you later then."  He sighed before quietly leaving the room.

She held her breath as she heard his footsteps disappear down the hall and only when she heard his pod ship take off from the hangar, did she finally release it, comfortable with the knowledge that she was alone and could pass this cursed day however she saw fit.  It just so happened that getting absolutely shit-faced drunk sounded like a good idea at the moment, and with a smile, Faye poured herself another shot, downing it in one gulp.  She grimaced a bit as the clear liquid burned its way down her throat and within moments, she could feel an alcohol induced haze settle in her mind.

~*~

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

Because your presence lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

~*~

It wasn't just the particular day that made her want to just drink her problems away, although it was a good a reason as any.  One year ago, Spike Spiegal walked out of her life, to die for a dream.  That annoyingly, cocky, green-haired lunkhead that she'd once despised walked away, unconcerned with the fact that he was hurting them by leaving.  She'd hated him at first, always so confident and easy-going.  He treated her like shit in the beginning, like she were no better than pod scum, and Faye had retaliated in kind, going out of her way to annoy the little shit.  She intentionally did things to irk his ire like taking hours at a time in the bathroom, stealing his cigarettes, and hogging the couch when she could.  Life was one battle after another with that infuriating Chia Pet wannabe.

However, somewhere along the way annoyance gave way to respect—for his abilities with a gun and in unarmed combat, for his unfailing honesty, but most of all for his uncanny ability to see through to a person's heart—and then respect gave way to affection.  There was no denying that, despite the overgrown green mass he called a hairdo and his almost lanky appearance, he was a good looking man.  That was one of the things that had immediately struck her when he first sat down at the Blackjack table when she first met him.  Once she'd actually spent any length of time with him, she promptly forgot about that initial attraction, too infuriated by him to see him as anything other than the stupid lunkhead that she had the misfortune to work and live with.

Faye shook her head in attempt to dislodge that man from her thoughts.  He was dead and nothing could change that.  He'd looked her right in the eye and decided that death was better than living without his love, despite the fact that he had friends and comrades who cared about him.  He didn't care that by leaving he was hurting her and Jet.  It didn't matter to him that they would miss him.  He'd said that he wasn't going to die but he was, and they all knew it.  "Stupid lunkhead."  She muttered, pouring her third shot.  The man was dead, but his memory still haunted her and she thought that it always would.  It only figured that she'd find someplace that she belonged and it would all be torn away just as she realized that she'd finally found her home.

~*~

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

~*~

She couldn't help but chuckle at the bitter irony of her situation.  Her whole time on the Bebop, all she'd longed for was to find herself, find out who she was, and find her way home.  The whole time she'd taken the companionship for granted convinced that once she remembered her past, there would be someplace for her, someplace that she belonged.  She'd imagined a house with a family, however distant relations they would've had to be, but when she'd finally recalled where she'd come from, there was nothing left of it.  Her past had died long ago, while she'd been sleeping, and the only person who remembered the Faye she used to be was in a retirement home.

After her oldest dream had shriveled up and died, she returned to the Bebop with a new dream, to make her destiny with Jet, Ed, and Spike, her friends, her partners.  It had been the only place she felt like she fit in at, and they were the only people that gave half a shit whether or not she lived or died.  She became close to each in a different way; Jet was the concerned, father-type person who tried not to let it known that he cared.  Ed was the eccentric yet lovable computer hacker whose large amber eyes tore at Faye's heart.  And Spike….there weren't enough words to sum up how she felt about Spike.  Somewhere along the way, the man who seriously aggravated her most of the time ended up being the person she cared the most about.

So when did respect and attraction give way to something more?

~*~

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I've held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

~*~

It was at the church, the first time she'd ever encountered Vicious.  She had watched Spike fall out of that window and hit the ground, and before she even knew it, she was running to his lifeless body, praying that he wasn't dead, tears streaming down her cheeks completely unnoticed.  She gently moved his body, mindful not to cause further injury, and placed her fingers to his neck, frantically searching for a pulse. When she finally found it, after several tense moments, she was elated and more than a little astonished.  It wasn't a small fall and it, by all rights, should've killed him.  But Spike had more lives than a cat, it seemed, because his heart was still going strong and his breathing, though shallow, wasn't labored.  Faye hurriedly dragged him to the Swordfish, afraid that he would die if she didn't get him back to the ship fast enough.

When she got him to the Bebop, Jet made a frantic call to a doctor he knew on Ganymede, one that was always very discreet, and he pushed the ship as fast as it would go to get there as quickly as possible.  At the end of the ordeal, Spike was bandaged head to toe, but alive.

For days, she barely left his side and only for sleep or food.  She watched his condition intently, attempting to cover her worry by playing solitaire and acting nonchalantly about the whole thing.  On the inside, she was terrified.  It wasn't until she saw him fall that she could even admit her feelings for him—feelings that she knew he would never reciprocate—and once she'd done that, she was scared, of losing him, of feeling for him, of feeling anything at all.  She'd never felt this, at least as far as she could remember anyway, and it was definitely what everyone said it was, wonderful, exciting, scary, and more than a little depressing because she knew he'd never feel the same way.

Damn Spike Spiegal for making her fall in love with him.

~*~

All of me

~*~

Damn him for going off to die.

~*~

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

But now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

~*~

Damn him for worming his way into her heart so subtly that she didn't even notice he was there until he'd firmly entrenched himself there, never to be cast out.  Damn him for binding himself to her memories, rendering her incapable of forgetting him, no matter how much she wanted to.  Nothing she tried worked; she still saw him everywhere.  In crowds, she would catch a glimpse out of the corner of her eyes of a mop of green hair and then it would either be gone or turn into someone's black, curly afro.  It was never him, and even though she knew it wouldn't be when she turned, she still felt that fleeting moment of hope only to feel that inevitable crushing disappointment when reality set in.

It also didn't help that she was still there, on the Bebop.  Since it was the place they'd spent the most time together, of course it was where her memories were the strongest.  Even though he'd been gone a year, every part of the ship held reminders of him.  The living room always reminded her of how he liked to lounge around, pretending he was asleep only to scare the shit out of anyone who came into the room.  The bathroom only brought memories of how they fought over its use while the kitchen brought back the time she'd beat him in a drinking contest, just to pass out at the kitchen table, seconds after he did.

"Stop it!"  She commanded herself, blinking back tears.  "He's fucking dead, Faye!  He didn't give a shit about you anyway, so get over it and move on for shit's sake."

~*~

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

~*~

Suddenly she couldn't take another minute in there.  She had to get out and away from him.  Her jaw tightened in determination; she was going to get rid of the ghost haunting her once and for all.  She made her way out to her Redtail, remarkably sober for someone who'd had three shots of Venetian Vodka, and climbed in, her destination already in mind.  Despite the fact that she swore the last time she broke into tears in front of the cold, gray headstone was the last time, she knew the only way to truly be free was to bare all to that stone, say the words she could never gather the courage to say to his face.

When she got there, the cemetery looked the same as it always did, well kept with lush green grass and a few trees, but to her, it was always have a dark cloud over it.  Cemeteries weren't nice, happy places.  You're not supposed to be happy that you're visiting a grave and not actually speaking with your loved one.  Anyone who tried to tell her otherwise was insane.  Faye would never be alright with the fact that he was dead, even though he'd wanted to die.

The grave itself also looked just as it always did with the exception of a fresh bouquet of flowers, probably put there by Jet.  The headstone was a cool, gray marble, with only his name and a simple inscription because they hadn't known what else to put.  There were no relatives, as far as they knew, and they didn't know if Spike had anyone else that they should contact.

"Spike Spiegal," she read aloud in another attempt to remind her heart of the fact that he was dead, "I hope it was one hell of a dream, Space Cowboy."

The line had been Jet's, his way of saying goodbye to his friend, and it fit.  Every time she read that line, it brought back that final conversation at gun point.

_"Look at these eyes," he said, staring in her eyes and right into her soul.  "One of them is fake because I lost it an accident.  Since then I've been seeing the past in one eye, and the present in the other.  I had believed that what I saw was not of reality…"_

_"Don't tell me things like that."  She said, not wanting him to reveal this side of himself now, not when he was going to leave.  "You never told me anything about yourself!  Don't tell me stuff like that now!"  She didn't want to see this part of him, his heart, just to have it snatched away.  Could fate truly be that cruel?_

_"I thought I was watching a dream that I would never awaken from."  He continued, keeping his gaze firmly locked with hers and she felt as if he could see inside her heart, into her deepest desires.  Spike was silent for a moment, just reading her eyes, before he gave a soft laugh.  "Before I knew it, the dream was over."_

_He moved to calmly walk around her and out of her life forever, and Faye found herself grasping at straws, trying to find something that she could say to keep him from leaving.  "My…memory came back," she announced, hoping to buy a little time.  Encouraged by the fact that he hadn't left yet, she continued, "But…nothing good came out of it.  There was no place to return to."  Her fists clenched at her sides with anger at her own fate.  When she finally found some place to belong and someone she loved despite the fact that it was unrequited, it was all falling apart.  "This was the only place I could go back to!  But now…" She felt tears sting at her eyes, but she was able to blink them back for the moment, focusing only on her anger.  "Where are you going?  Why do you have to go?!"  Faye angrily whirled around to face him.  "Are you telling me that you're going to just throw your life away!?"  She demanded, vaguely aware that she was bordering on hysterical._

_His eyes faced forward and away from her hurt, angry emerald ones as he replied, "I'm not going there to die.  I'm going there to see if I really am alive."_

_As he slowly walked away, Faye glared at his retreating form.  He was leaving and not coming back, even though he knew it was hurting her.  Her heart screamed at her to yell after him, to not let him get out to the hangar and off the Bebop until he knew how she felt, but deep down she knew it wouldn't make any difference.  She pointed her gun at him and for a split second wanted to shoot him to keep him there, but she couldn't stop him.  Finally accepting defeat, her gun pointed skywards and she vented her frustration, rage, and utter helplessness, and just pulled the trigger mindlessly until the gun was out of ammunition.  Her body wracked with sobs, she slid down the wall, consumed with grief and despair from the simple fact that she couldn't do a damn thing to stop this life she'd built from falling apart, and there was nothing that could change it._

Now at the place she'd vowed to never see again, she glared at the tombstone, angry at herself for even having to go back there in the first place.  "Why won't you leave me alone, Spike?"

~*~

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I've held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

~*~

"Why can't I just forget about you?"  She kneeled on her knees, paying no attention to the fact that she was staining her jeans, and reached out to touch the tombstone, lightly tracing the indention of his name.  "Why can't I just shove you into the pile of other things I want to forget about myself?"  A small wistful smile graced her face as she reverently ran her fingers over the cool marble.  "Why do you haunt me, Spike?"  She sighed and drew her hand back, determined to get it over with and be able to move on.

"It's because I love you."  She stated simply, rising to her feet.  "Even if you're a corpse, I still love you."

"This is all your fault!"  She screamed, pointing an accusatory finger towards the stone.  She felt kind of ridiculous yelling at something that couldn't yell back, but thankfully, no one was around at the moment.  "God, I would've given you anything I could if you'd asked.  But you didn't see me as a woman.  No, you saw me as a shrew or a slut!"  She spat bitterly.  "I guess I couldn't compare to your precious Julia, huh?"

Faye gave a dry, humorless chuckle as her eyes began to water.  "Where was Julia when you almost got killed by that weird assassin guy at the amusement park?  Or when you fell out of that church?  I was there!  I was the one that dragged your ass back to the ship!  Why couldn't you have noticed me?  Why didn't you notice that I was in love with you?  Why didn't you see me?!"  At the end of her tirade, she burst into tears and fell to her knees.  She fell silent for a moment and just continually wiped the water from her cheeks.  "It doesn't matter," she stated softly, "because I still loved you."

~*~

All of me

~*~  
  


"What am I supposed to do huh?  How do I go on when the small life I managed to build turns to shit?  I spent my entire existence since waking up trying to find a place I fit in.  I thought I'd find that when I found who I had been, but then…after I found the ruins of my past I realized that it'd been there all along…I was just so consumed with my quest to find my past, I didn't notice it.  And then you left to die."  She sniffled a few times and wiped her eyes again before muttering, "God, why do I even still do this to myself?"

~*~

I'd tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

~*~

_Why do I mourn a love I never had?_

"Why do I continue to torture myself over a man I never had, could never have had?  Why do I still see you?  Why do I still dream about you?  Why can't I just stop thinking about you, stop loving you?  Because I don't want this anymore.  I don't want this pain anymore.  I want it to stop; I just want to move on."

~*~

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I've held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

~*~

"You never felt anything for me, I know that.  I just wanted to be there, to help you.  Even if you would never feel the way I did, it was enough that I was there.  I held out the smallest hope of something between us, but deep down I knew it was going to happen.  I need to accept that fact and move on because I seriously can't take this anymore.  I have to put you behind me or you'll drive me insane."  Drying her eyes, Faye managed a small smile.  "It's a short drive, I know."  She stood and wiped the dirt from her pants and was surprised to find that she actually felt a bit better.  "I still love you and I think I always will, but I will get over you, Spike."  

~*~

All of me

~*~

She drew up to her full height, determination surging through her and boosting her confidence.  "I'm not weak and I refuse to be broken any longer."  Faye stood a moment, silently regarding the gray marble slate that she'd just poured her soul out to.  In her mind, she saw Spike, a million different images from the few years she'd known him, all the things she'd grown to love about him as well as all those she'd grown to hate.  It was one last moment of mourning and remembrance for a man that had deeply impacted her life as no other before him.  With his mere presence, she had been changed, from a cold, distant woman looking for a home to someone who could feel.  If she'd known that day at the casino what was down the road, would she have run the other way?  Faye smiled, "I'd like to think not."

Her parting words weren't hers, but just as apt for her goodbye as it was his.  "I hope it was one hell of a dream, Spike."  Once the words were uttered, she turned and left the cemetery, determined to rid herself of her ghosts, once and for all.

Please, review and let me know what you think.  I appreciate all forms of feedback, and I don't mind even flames.  Thanks for reading!


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